I’ve been carting around twenty-four journals. I started the first at about eleven and quit writing them just before my freshman year at University. Now a senior at University, I’m on my third apartment and painfully aware of just how much junk I own and shuffle around this city at the end of every lease. Thus, I’ve resigned myself to traveling light until I’m settled down, which I dearly hope wont be anytime soon. If all goes accordingly, I will be going many more places. I wont be able to take much with me. There certainly won’t be room for twenty-four versions of myself.
Traveling costs time and journals are a product of time. As you can see, I’m really trying to propel myself into the future through the destruction of the physical manifestation of years bygone. As many can say, I had a troubled family life growing up. Journals were how I dealt with it. When you’re older, no one accepts a hard childhood as an excuse for anything; yet, I encounter situations where that is my personal excuse. Through this video, I am symbolically handing over that excuse. The farther into the future I go, the happier I am. I am greedy for experiences and understanding. So let’s go.
The transition to digital is no stranger, nowadays. I admit that I typed out the content of the journals prior to shredding them. I don’t admit to having done any editing. Destroying the physical journal serves as evidence of my commitment to the future and all the technology I will have the privilege to use there. I plan to continue to destroy the other twenty-one journals as the opportunities present themselves to me. I tend to believe that things will happen, should you allow them to.
In transcribing these three, I had a lot of fun. I met the past me. Here are a few things I had to say back then that are coincidentally relevant to this project:
10/04/06: Nothing to say yet. A lot to say. Such is life. Maybe I’ve given up on trying to make it hold still.
10/22/06: There’s too much I want to know but I’m still a kid, which makes that even harder. Ha. Time will provide for me if I provide for it.
07/20/08: “Someday we’ll look back at this time in our lives and be unable to remember it.”
07/27/08: Really, I do turn to the internet for everything. It’s God. Searching should be called praying. Give me answers.
10/08/08: I knew I would feel like a little kid. I guess I just didn’t want to think about it. Yesterday I had a very good conversation with [person] about life and myself. He did the impossible—he caused me to think about it, moreover to careabout it. It was strange. I have endless possibilities. Who knows where I’ll go. I don’t. Time will tell. I will certainly be changing a lot.
07/26/10: And its absurd how humans must rationalize or philosophize everything in order to convert what’s happening around them into something they can stomach.
08/31/10: I am trying not to be part of reality. Or rather, I’m having a very hard time integrating. I can no longer put to words how life/time feels/is. But that’s just my life goal, isn’t it? To put how time feels to words. At any rate, that’s just how muddled and disturbed I am of late. I can’t fathom what it used to be like. Trouble is certainly on my heels. What will happen? The suspense. I am unprepared to find out. Looking back, it always seems everything I ever did must’ve been a mistake. It’s hard to imagine how things get so convoluted. How was I ever in that place? And I can’t believe in the present, either. I am outside of time. I can’t remember the past with any clarity. I can’t realize the present. I can’t open my arms to the future. I am stubbornly stuck in one place, mentally—even as time pulses and pulls and pushes all around me very convincingly. I will have to give in, eventually. To change. Must we all.